This is called as BAD Day!! (Edited)

I wrote a post saying how bad my day was yesterday. But hands down. Today was much worse. All thanks to the "mestrual cycle" girls get every month.

I was getting vibes from last 3-4 days that my period is about to come. But never thought that it would be so bad. I had a very bad mood swings and cramps today. Trust me the benches of my classroom adds more to it. Luckily, I didn't had my class today, otherwise it would have been my last day.

The thing is earlier when I used to go to classes here, I was habituated to it's benches and all, so didn't felt this much. But this time, since after a year I attended it's classes, may be that's why it was that bad.

When I woke up, I realised I got my periods. Since I had my fast today. So I couldn't eat anything apart from diary products. I couldn't do the rituals, just a small prayer and then fast.

Trust me, I didn't are anything till 12:30 pm. I was sleeping. I had no energy to wake up and do something. My lower abdomen and thigh got a very bad pain. Cramp is even small word for the pain we girls get. No stereotype, but seriously, ask any girl, the worst day of their life is the first day of period.

At around 1pm, my neighbour came to my room. When I told her I didn't had anything since morning, she took me to sweet shop which was 2 km from our hostel. And trust me, I walked 4km today in pain, finding those sweets. That one hour long journey made my situation more worse possibly. But still she walked so long just for me was such a sweet gesture. No one does for anyone these days. ❤️🙈

Again on returning home, the cramp increased. And I couldn't eat anything because of it. Had no energy to try some "sweet" things. I don't like sweets. Just one or two I'd sufficient, can't eat more than that.

But do you know what irritated me the most in the journey? Her boyfriend name is same as my ex's name. Now, whenever she talks. She relates eveyrthing to her boyfriend and says his name. If I could say in minimum words, it's like her whole world is her boyfriend.

Trust me, we were walking. I was already in pain. And she is saying, "Di, when we'll (he and she) meet na, we can meet here" , "Di, can he live in pg here?", "Di how can I video call him but my brother's should not know?", "Di, he is my husband.", "Di, he is such a sweet person"., "Di I love him so much"., "Di he is everything to me". Remove his, he to the name🤷🤦.

I was like, I hate this name for forever now. She is like but you love the person na whose name is this. I'm like, "no, I just hate him, now, because his name is this".

She is like, "how can you say this to your lover?". I'm like, "firstly, he is not my lover, I like him, that's set and he doesn't care about my feelings and emotions, so what's the use of me crying and thinking about him. Trust me, I don't think about him, until you come and knock your boyfriend name in my ears which is same as his".

Trust me, I got so irritated by this name. I can't say even how much. Secondly, I'm right, what's the use of thinking about some one so much who doesn't remember me. I didn't got a single text from him when I needed him the most. He forgot my birthday, when I met with accident, I was in so much pain, but still he wasn't there, no new year wish, what else can prove that he is not into me.

You know there is a simple thing, love needs to be proved. It needs to be shown. If I had to prove him each time that I'm loyal, then he needs to prove me that he loves me. And secondly, I can't prove him throughout my life that I don't have anything with this boy or that boy. I studied in coed, I have schools friend who are male. When I'll go in college, I'll have male friends. Some would be my closest bestie type. And I can't prove my relation with them. He talks to all the girls on Earth and still he is loyal and everything but not me. My friends were right. That screenshot was right. Everyone was right except me for trusting him. For still loving him. Can't say more!!

I don't know what I've written. I've such a bad mood swing today. I don't know but I'm devastated with all these. Like letting things go especially when you wanted it to be forever is tough. I never expected all these ever. Sometimes it's feel like I had my breakup few hours back. And that's why it take so much time to heal, though, I healed alot.

Yesterday I was listening to one of our recording. We had a fight and he was angry but not showing. His only words when he used to get angry was, "you know I don't know how to say". But still he said me, "Ankita, I love you, I'm sorry too". I wish we both can say this now and resolve everything.

I know I'll wait for him over and over again. But still he'll lose his value. There was a point in my life when I broke down in the mod afternoon during may last year. Their was a feeling that, "god, take everything away but just bring him please". Even last year by now, I was started going in depression.

Trust me, I've written so many things at so many places. But if someone reads my diary where I write about Maa Sarawati, the person will cry honestly. When I used to totally lose things, I used to write there. It was the worst moment of my life. All thanks to him who wasn't sure about his feelings.

I met sofa on 7th march. We went AFC and had delicious dinner. While coming back, I just said her, "I never expected this day to be brighter this year". Trust me, my class would have been ruined if I had not studied that time. I was not able to concentrate and still I did. Just because of his one lie.

I used to feel bad that because of me, his sister has a bad relationship with him (because of the reason he had told me), his parents has a bad relationship with him. Obviously, anyone's parents would be angry on knowing about their relationship. But there was this guilt in my mind.

When he said the truth, I felt so bad that day. The only thing was, I was so blindly in love and how can he say lie? How can he fake his feelings? How can those "love you" can be a lie? How he was so happy and chilled knowing that because of him I'm crying everyday? How can he be so cruel to me at all these times, knowing after my parents and brother I trust him the most?

I reliase I've forgiven him. But I can never forget all these. Never ever in my life. And that's why may be I don't trust in love anymore. It's not him that I don't want to go in relationship. It's the thing that everyone lies, they all can't be trusted.

I never want anyone to experience this. It'll break them, like it did to me. And after a year, I realise, I really don't want him. May be it's love (that unconditional) that I want to talk to him or to be with him.

But putting trust on him again is tough for me. He again broke my trust the day he blocked me on whatsapp though knowing that the person was just my friend. I can't prove my whole life that I was/am loyal to him. I can never.

Even if now, he comes and proposes me back, I'll say him no. It's for everyone. Even he can't be my close friend. Forget about being my best friend.

I may sound harsh, but this is what the truth is. I went through all these alone. He was happy that time, busy doing his works, busy talking to girls that time possibly. I was sad. I was into depression. I was not able to concentrate. And still I said him sorry for talking rudely.

His "no sorry" could ever get me back. Never in his life again. I may miss him, I may love him the most, I may hear his voice, his recording, I may want everything again, but accepting all these again will not be possible for me. I can't break my self again and again for a person who doesn't take even think about me for a minute while taking his decision.

And I actually mean this today. I'm strong enough now, to say him "no". Honestly, his "no sorry" can ever take me back. Take this to ego or anything but I can never be his again in this life. Never means never. I lost someone who could have love me possibly (and I know I'll get someone who'll love me unconditionally), but he lost someone who could have done anything for his happiness. Trust me, I mean this. His smile was precious to me. It's still but not more than mine now.

I'm sorry about what I wrote. Feelings are genuine actually. And I'm vulnerable today. And I literally cried after days/month while writing this.

Thanks ;)

Edited

I don't know but I was thinking about this continuously. Like what I wrote that time was completely based on my feelings and emotions that time. Yeah it's true I'm hurted alot. I may won't talk to him. I won't accept anything again. But it's just for few days or month. But try atleast. I may say yes. And this is what truth is. I still consider his Happiness above mine. I really can't hurt him ever. A brutal truth of my life. No one is perfect. And that's completely okay. I was waiting for someone who wasn't a perfect person, but completely a perfect one for me. And I'm still waiting. I'm still hoping that some day he'll understand what I always want to say. But if he won't ever change himself, then I won't ever be back. And this is a perfect truth. 😉

I'm just angry may be. 😉🙈😂

The only thing we should do now.😉❤️🙈

i wrote my name in English, Hindi, Bangla and Telugu. Got to know that it's wrong in Bangla. And I realised may be Telugu is wrong too. How can I learn now?🥺😓😓 I'm like cutie will teach me and she's like first ask him to unblock you, then, only he can teach.🥺😓

My reply to her. ummm🥺🥺 😓🙈

And she did this. I've such a bad mood swing that I'm talking like a 2 year old kid. And Akka is laughing. That's why I complained this to her dear friend.