An Impulsive Decision

By -
Yesterday I posted something on YQ following the same in this. It wasn't an impulsive decision. But definitely, I wasn't sure about it. Their was a conflict in my mind regarding this. 

You see, there is a famous saying, "when you don't want to end something, you think about it again and again, and get confused about your decisions". 

I too was confused. I don't have anyone to talk about this. I've but Akka says, do what you wish. And I really don't know what I wish. 

I had a reasons to end. Firstly, I didn't liked the writing pattern.It was all about love. Secondly, I'm busy with test series, revision lectures and like these many things. And that's why, it sounds like a waste of time someday. Though, it's not. 

From last so many days, I was thinking to end this. But yesterday, when I did, I couldn't keep things going. It was like something is struck. Something that I wanted but couldn't get it. Soemthing that was going away from me. 

I'm not a kind who doesn't know what to decide. Since early days of my life, I took decisions on my own. Though there was always someone guiding me from the back. But this time, I didn't had any. I wanted to speak to someone but there was none to say. 

At morning, there was a trembling voice inside me. It was like, "I'm dying, don't let me go". The thing is writing has become a part of my life. I don't need anyone when I'm writing. I just want to be alone and feel my words. 

Most of the times, when I write article or quotes, I just don't reply to any. I just write what I feel. There is no way to escape in this. I like this process of being vulnerable at times.

 What I wrote in the last post was actually true. I'm not so dumb to write about love all the times. Yes, I do have feelings. I do feel bad. I'm dying to talk to him. 

But expressing emotions here have no significance. He won't read this ever. He won't understand what I go through. I miss him in between my lectures. The first person to the last person, it's all him. What else could I do to explain how much I love him? How vulnerable days are when I couldn't describe my feelings to him? 

I remember he had said me once, "be busy and you won't miss me". But still I miss him even at the busiest of my day. 

I don't want the relationship. I just want him to stay there. There are days when I just want to talk to him. Just those long conversations till late night, not knowing about the topics even. Just simply love. 

Today I thought of messaging him. Nothing to be extreme but starting a conversation is more harder than ending it. But what's more hard? To keep going or to keep trying ! 


But I really didn't knew where to message him. On WhatsApp I couldn't. He isn't on Quora anymore. I'm not on Instagram. That's set. I can't SMS even. I don't know whether he uses Jio chats, signal or hangout. I really wanted to talk him atleast for once before I go to my hostel. But anyways! It's all messy . 

Secondly, I'm busy these days. In upcoming days it will be more. I've classes in the morning. I watch some extra lectures in afternoon. And then I keep solving questions, till the end of day. And then in every 6 days,I've my majors. 

Even I'm not getting time to talk to my friends. It's only Akka in regular contact because she calls me at night. And with rest, it's usually like 5-10 mins chats. That's the end. 

It's not I don't have time. I've. When i get bored, I do read quora or watch videos in YouTube. And I actually spend around 1-1:30 hours daily on all these. And I actually enjoy. 

Writing on YQ is just few minutes task. On this app, I've so many pending works. And I wanna do this but only that time when I'm in mood. 

Even I was so frustrated that I turned off the comments section from everyone to my followers and following on YQ. 

I love writing but the best are produced that time when I really wanna do it not forcefully. That's the simple concept of writing atleast for me. 

There's a famous saying, "If something has happened two times, then surely it'll happen in the third time". 

I got a beautiful comment in my last post.  
Some inspirational words make things better. For a moment, I thought it's him. But obviously, it's not. Actually I really wanted his suggestions but anyways.

Thank you everyone for reading the post. I know I'm not a  good writer. But still I'm trying to be better with each day. I really needed this comment and it actually made my day ;).

Thankeew. 💙


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular

Three jewels of life

By -
Image
Once a man asked what's the most satisfying feeling in world ? To which  a wise man replied , "  the most satisfying of all feeling is connection to the soul , to the human spirit ". Spirituality is something that adds meaning to life. It's connection to something bigger than our thoughts . Have we ever realised why people do yoga and meditation? They do so because it's connection to one's mind. Meditation is direct connection to oneself. It's a form of spirituality.  Here I am going to write about my favourite you tuber , who indeed is an spiritual leader , "Gaur Gopal Das jii".  His stories are quiet famous around the globe . But I am going to write about the  three important jewels of life. Once a man was in forest . He saw a beautiful bird. As soon as he saw her . He wished to keep her at his home. So he caged  her from back . The bird being caged now said to the man .  She will tell him three important jewels of life onl...
Read more

A love to last

By -
Image
Talking about the most underrated feeling in the world , " self love".  We are living in the generation where everyone is busy finding love or most probably saying life partner. But what about self love , self care ?? Does they don't matter ?  In one of the finest movie of bolywood ,   Dear Zindagi .  Their is a dialogue where the psychiatrist says to the actress , " Jab hum Apne aap ko Achi Tarah samajh Lete hai toh doosre kya samajhte hai , it doesn't matter ,  NOT AT ALL " . I think this is so true .  When we start loving ourself then it doesn't matter who love us or who care about us or what they think of us. In the same movie , there is an infamous dialogue ,  " tum agar khulke roo nhi sakogi ..toh khulkar Hass kaise sakogi". This is worth reading the lines.  If we can't show anger to anyone then how can we love someone. How can we feel worthy of ourselves .  We should care about our self esteem and self respect. We should really fe...
Read more

Teen ager thoughts !! 🦋

By -
Teen age the most dramatic phase of our life. The age where each day our opinions about everything changes. The things we like today might not be the same tomorrow. The people with whom we love to spend time today won't be the same tomorrow. In between the hormone rush , we decide lots of things related to our future. Whether it can be career, college, jobs , friendship , love and so on. We don't even know whether we really want that or not . The transition that take place in this ongoing years are remarkable. The things we get addict to know whether good or harmful keeps going on till the end until someone help us to stop it.  The uncertainty about everything marks the teenage . Changes that take place in our mindset becomes the reason for all the choices we take . Time goes on and so is the phase.  Sometimes we are lonely  , sometimes together with everyone. Sometimes we hate everyone and sometimes everyone is important. Sometimes someone takes the special place without...
Read more

What DEATH Taught Us ?

By -
Since childhood , we all are interested in knowing what happens after death . Whether their is really heaven or hell ? These are the most intriguing questions we all have . But what about the lessons we learn in the process?  We all discuss about :  1. What life teaches us?  2. How life teaches us ?  3. About how karma works in life ?            But what about death ? Why don't we discuss what death taught us? Why don't we talk about the lessons we learnt after some one left us ?  I remember watching the video of Gaur Gopal Das jii where he mentioned about his father's death and how much he regretted about not saying sorry to him for the mistakes he did everytime. This is what death taught us . The importance of person when they are gone. The importance of relationship infront of being right.  The importance of love Infront of ego.  Once lost then they can't come back . This is the most depressing one - liner. Once we lost...
Read more

What irritates me these days?

By -
Image
Messages and calls.  I had my exam today. After getting bored from last 1 hour. I finally thought to write something. My battery percentage decreased from 16% to 11% while charging, when I was using my phone.  I don't know but these days I get so many messages on WhatsApp and so many calls. Majorly calls are from either from my family or my friends (warden and my neighbour too).  The same goes with whatsapp messages but they are more than enough. Yesterday Akka had sent me my whatsapp usage. And all were of 2 mins majorly. Only Akka is the one who message me randomly. Rawat and Shruti (sometimes) too otherwise rest all just for work. It sucks actually. No one to talk real apart from few.  in one day I get around 10 messages. And it's of everyday.🙄 Obviously I get messages related to study from my friends or something that's important. I don't check status even. Majorly at night or when I come back from class (only of those whose I...
Read more