The Unsent Text

Read this in low tone. It will make sense. 

I had a ride to my dad's office today. While coming back, I plugged in my earphones and started listening to songs downloaded in my phone. Do you know what was the first song I listened to? 

It was Vande Mataram by A.R.Rahman. The same song which is my caller tune as well as ringtone. I liked this song like always but it became special when someone had this as their caller tune. It's more than one year and I still remember that incidence. 

I was nostalgic. I started going back to that 1 year old Ankita who was madly in love. Today when I was half asleep at 5 in the morning, I had no one's name in my mind. But just a year back, I did had. 

When I was in hostel, I used to wake up early some days. And the very first person whose name used to cross my mind was him. I find it idiotic now. But it was real that time. I'm blantantly honest, I still remember him when I wake up. He is still the first person and the last too.

My gallery contains few photos which had been taken randomly that time, now, symbolises LOVE for a second. My secure folder contains the most deepest secret of my life. It still has photos and voice of a person who is not in my life anymore. 

Just a year back, I remember, during the end of December, he had a trip with his family to some holy pilgrimages. At that time, we didn't used to talk. It was almost "no contact" for around 4-5 days. And trust me, those 4-5 days were like a year to me. 

I think once in a blue moon, I had a chat with him at early 6 in the morning. It was a random chat where he was getting ready to go somewhere. And it's in my memory now. You know, if he had seen me that time, I was smiling all day. I was on cloud 9 because I conversed with him. 

Last year, around December, I missed him alot. The reason was the year before we were together and that's why it kept on coming in my mind. 

On New Year, when I wished him on Quora. Before that I had sent him message on Jio Chats. Honestly, I deleted them at that very moment because it showed single tick and I  really thought it won't reach him. Don't know whether he had seen it or not. But I have screenshot of the last text over there which was sent around 11:30. Trust me, it took me 30 minutes to convince myself that I should give it a last try before sleeping and ending the things. I would have messaged him on Hangouts but still I wasn't sure whether he uses it or not. So I ended up using Quora. 

Do you know, on New year, I had a feeling that we won't be together anymore. The reason was I gave that person "AROUND 1 YEAR" and he didn't changed. If he had messaged me atleast on 31st December then also I would have believed that we could be together. But don't know, on New Year my gut feeling said, "THIS IS THE END". IT'S ACTUALLY !! 

It took me one year to realise that we are not meant to be together. WE WON'T BE TOGETHER IF WE ARE MEANT TO BE, WE WILL BE TOGETHER BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE. He needs to understand this line .

I watched a short film today. It was related to a couple and how they ended up getting separated because they both thought it's "EGO". I don't know why but it made us think about us. Not ego but the story. It was such a sweet one. After so many days, soemthing reminded me about him. 

I don't know what he's going through. I really don't know how he had been in all these months. I actually wonder sometimes whether my thoughts crosses his mind or not? Whether he thinks about me or not? And if he does think in case, then, why can't he message me once? I don't need Sorry or any explanation even, just come and say, "Lets talk again". That's enough for me. 

His number in messages contains his photo in the background. That cute , idiotic smile one, which my friends remarks me saying, "he smiles even". Yes, he does smile. And his smile is the world best smile. 

Last year, around this time, in January, we were not tegether. That's why it's little bit easy for me to move on. And as days will pass, we'll be more and more distant. He already is, I'll be. And this time, even he can't stop. 

Last time, when he had messaged me on August. I was sure, I won't talk to him because he hadn't listened to me, the last time, when I was saying something on WhatsApp and he did what he always does. And I was angry. But now, I'm not even angry. I'm so cool that I don't even have words to describe this feeling. And trust me, the day I stop getting angry on him is the day when everything ends. 

No long messages , paragraphs saying how much I love him. He does know. He knows that even if I'll be super angry, his one smiling photo will change everything. One sweet text will change everything. But what he can do about the situation, when I'll have no emotions for him? May be, he won't care!

I always wanted to share all those posts that I wrote for him. But he was never interested possibly. And may be he'll never understand even. And that's the reason why we are so far now. 

Recently, one of my school friend proposed me. He said he likes me since so many years and like this many other things. I say this honestly, I had no feelings that time. I just said him, "I like someone else , sorry". And may be thats enough to say how much I hate this "love" now. I don't want to get into one even. I'm happy like this. Just be friends that's all I need. And secondly, I can't give my emotions to someone when it's already attached to other. 

The most apt reason was deep down I'm waiting. And that's why I'm not interested in anyone apart from him. Sounds silly but it's real. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE THEN YOU CAN'T FIND PERFECTIONS IN SOMEONE ELSE. Valid on me.

Once I was telling Akka that if he returns and says me some absurd stories then I won't talk to him. I'll forgive him only when he says me sorry for almost 1 month along with Happy Birthday. How can he be so rude? But now, I don't want anything. 

He would be lucky, if in case he comes and I give him this task because trust me, I'm so much frustrated from all these, that most possibly I won't talk even properly. (My inner feelings are never wrong). I've my exams secondly and I'm damn serious about it. Because I did worked hard even on my bad days. Honestly, I can't pour my feelings on someone who can spoil my career in seconds through his immature decision. Sorry, if this sounds rude but it's actually true. He can't continue things, he has a bad habit of leaving in between. I don't have. 

If he comes as a Friend and Support me, then, trust me, I can't give respect to someone more than this. 

I almost check his WhatsApp profile everyday. I don't know it happens automatically that I scroll down just to look there. Finding No DP doesn't seem good. Even sometimes I click on our chats and then there is nothing to read. I've chats but they were quite weird type not like friends. Some are but I just see the last line where he had said, "bye" and I couldn't scroll up there.

I don't remember the last time, I listened his voice. May be it was last year. Once I tried listening to our recording recently but after 2 minutes, I stopped. I knew I will miss him then. 

Recently, 2-3 days back, I was telling Akka to guess my phone password. I gave her the clue which included my birthday, his birthday and a year. Total of 8 digits. My phone still opens by it. And I don't feel sad. 

Even my Instagram and Gmail Password still contains that idiotic name of us. I didn't turned on Instagram that's why it can't be changed. And I don't want to change Gmail Passwords which had his initials atleast for a moment. Even my secure folder still has the same password which I had told him once. He knows I don't remember passwords !! 

Few days back around month, Akka was asking how did our breakup happened all of the sudden. I said we had fight a day before and then everything ended. I still remember that fight. He was angry about that "baby" word. I don't know what meaning he got from it but for me it meant cute. I hope he clears this now. 

Sometimes, I recall the time, when we had talked for the first time. I still remember, how badly I was in love with him that time. Honestly,that time I had never thought our ending could have been something like this. But it did happened. 

I receive notifications from so many apps. I really wish someday it reflects his name. My WhatsApp chat list tries finding his name which is hidden deep down. It's not achieved though. 

I won't give him a lecture on loyalty, trust and all. But I do want to say, "please stop acting like mature when you know you are immature at places. Don't stop this but don't show to everyone." Only few of my close people know how idiot I'm, including you. And for rest, I'm matured. I hope he understands what I mean. We don't need to show to our real ones what we are, they already know, that's why they are together.

Remember that last post where I had mentioned that he is soft hearted and a generous person which he hides atleast from me. I know because he had shown me his real side. Even any girl/boy close to him will get to know this. Nothing much !

I had received few screenshots last month's. I don't have them now though but still I trusted them that time. I don't know whether it was true or not. But in case it is, then, I don't want to speak to him. If not, then, I'm apologising from the bottom of my heart for not trusting him. May be I'm writing about him, that's enough to say, I trust him more than my friend. 

If we could talk again, it's good. If we can't, then, also it's good. I don't wait for your messages anymore. Though deep down my heart desires to talk to you again. But mind says, let him take the first step this time otherwise he'll never take.

Few days back, I had visited a temple. In that temple, their is a famous tree where people tie knots (stone with thread) and pray. It's said that mostly all the prayers are fulfilled. I had said, I won't pray for us. But I did tried once. If it's work then it's good otherwise then also I'm fine. At the end, it totally depend on him. I prayed for us. Atleast as a last chance to see if it works.

From last few days, he was in my dream. I can't say how bad I was feeling that time. We are not together, so seeing him with me, actually hurts me. And I don't know may be consciously I've ignored him to extent but unconsciously may be it's not. 

Mostly I'm awake till 1 in the night. If he doesn't have whole day to send a text, he can send at night. My friends messages me mostly at night and I don't feel offended. But if someone doesn't have intentions to then inspite of having time, then also, they can't message.

Trust me, I've thousands of reason to end everything. I can block too and delete his number. But I'm still holding on that ONE REASON till now. Most probably, after few days, I'll leave that reason too.

May be the day he realises all these. By that time, I won't be in love with him. Neither I would be waiting. And at that time, intentionally or unintentionally it'll hurt his feelings. And I know, how bad it feels. 

I had 4 topics in my mind to write. But I wrote about this. May be this time he is important but not the next time. 

I won't add any images because I don't have any feelings. Totally black and white. It's said images speak more than words. And I don't have anything to say may be. The person for whom this post is also not gonna read. So better keep it plain this time.

Thanks ;)