THE 50th POST !!
I've never thought that a day will come when I'll say that it's my "50th post".
I don't know what this feeling is. If I say honestly, then I had never thought that someday I'll write. I don't want to brag but yet I loved reading books. It's not only novel but textbooks too. I love reading biology books, history books, G.k. and I think all those subjects which fascinates me. Learning Modern Physics gives me the same feeling. And like this there are so many subjects and books.
I used to read Quora since 2015/16. It was my Dad's account in it. I remember reading random answers and upvoting them. There was a time when I upvoted few answers because it was upvoted by everyone. You know kids right?
My parents were always in favour of reading books. My brother used to give me 3 books per subject to read them. I remember I had NCERT , S.Chand and Pradeep to read in class 10th for Science. In Maths I used to solve NCERT, R.S. Agarwal and R.D.Sharma (this was damn heavy).
Luckily, in 11th I wasn't given that much.
Because I had modules, notes and NCERT. You know after every parents teacher meet my parents used to buy me one extra book. And I used to read them. The gift was because I scored good marks. Yup, my parents were like this. I still have my first novel which I got in class 9. It was Detective stories of Sherlock Holmes. Though the first book they brought was of G.K and reasoning books by R.S.Agarawal in class 6. I remember solving that reasoning books in class 7. 🤷🤦
When I was in 9th. I got the habit of reading novels. In my school library, the books were issued for 15 days. In those 2 years, I read atleast of 10 novels. I know it less but I had to study too😂.
These were my introduction to the world of reading and writing.
I knew about blogging to some extent. But I never knew I'll write. I met my second boyfriend through this way only. He had sent me request, so that he can get more views in his blogs. Though it turned out something else.
Honestly, he is such a good writer. I have read his posts in that blog last year. They were too good. He was damn good in vocabulary. I think he remembers all the words and phrases for sure. To be honest, sometimes I guess he had attended his English class attentively unlike me who just learnt idioms in order to get good marks. 😂😂.
He had only one bad habit. He left things in between. Whether it's writing or relationship. He leaves everything in between. And in this case, I'm opposite. I take things only when I'll complete it.
It's 6 months now since I started writing. 4th June was the day when I published my first post. I wrote that at 6 in the morning.
But why do I started writing??
You know this question makes me wonder about so many things. Why I started writing?
This is not only a question but a journey too. A journey from darkness to lightness for me.
Today I'm stating the exact reason honestly.
It was around May when I lost contact to everyone. It was nothing like I had fight with someone or something around. But I was so sad that I couldn't realise I have other people too. Honestly, I couldn't sleep even. The clock used to show me 2/3 am while I was still awake. No peace of mind.
I don't know why but all of the sudden I used to break down. I used to cry alot. Whether it was morning, evening or afternoon. I had no idea.
I remember I had told my friend DR that I'm uninstalling WhatsApp. But we used to discuss questions that time. So we started using Hangout. I still have it in my phone. I won't mind if anyone messages me there now.😝
I used to watch lectures on Chrome. So once I saw that blogger app there. I don't know why but it reminded me about him. There was nothing to be exact. I just clicked there.
Atleast for 3-4 days, I didn't dared to write a word even. Suddenly, on 4th I woke up around 6am. Slept around 3am. No reason or nothing. I was half sleepy. I just wrote them and published it.
It was the smallest post till now. I never edited even. It was 1st and foremost post for me.
I named the page as Feel words by Ankita. I don't know why but I felt this wasn't a catchy word. I wanted it to look something good and unique. And finally I named it as The Nonchalant Catalogue. Today I run my quote with the name of The Nonchalant.
I changed the theme to blue and black because it was my favourite colour. If someone look carefully they will find background image of wave. It's because I love physics alot and it simply reflects my interest in it.
If someone asks me what's my favourite post of till now. I would say it's The last letter. I don't have it anymore though. But trust me, I expressed my emotion genuinely there. I really wanted him to read it and change. But I never dared to send him nor he was interested to read.
You know, the last time he blocked me. I cried for a day because I felt bad. Because of him I cried on my birthday. One can guess how much important he is in my life. I knew I wouldn't have moved on if he hadn't said the truth. But luckily, I came to know that he never loved me. It's hard to accept. But ultimately it helped me to move on. In one corner of my heart, I'm still waiting for him. But if someone asks me today. Do you still want him in life? I would say NO. I don't want him. I still love him. I still care for him alot. Something that no one can guess even. But he doesn't deserve me. He doesn't deserve someone who loves him unconditionally.
See na, it's gonna be 2 months now. I didn't messaged him for once . That's why he didn't cared to message me atleast for a talk even.
You know my father knows when I don't speak a word. When I remain silent. My father and brother knows that I am hurted from inside. They know that this time they need to start a conversation with me. They love me that's why they understand me. How can I expect this from a person who never loved me? How can I expect him to understand my silent?
I still love him so much. But I really think he doesn't deserve it. He is never gonna change himself. And anyways, may be he is in some other relationship. So it's wrong to say even. We are out of relationship. So anyone can date someone else. The only difference is I don't want to date because I don't want to love someone and invest my time in it. It'll be him at the end of the day only.
Anyways, this blog helped me to move on. I poured out my feelings here. And that's why
I love this blog alot. I expressed my feelings here which I couldn't say to anyone.
You know deep down I moved on. I'm not waiting for him now. I loved him so much. And I still love him. But the only difference is this time I'm genuinely going. Even I went away long back.
You know the song, jaane de mujhe na tod Dil Mera. This is what I could say.😂
Honestly I'm better focused at my career now. Deep down I want him to come back. It was a beautiful journey with him. But we can't change few things. Especially I can't change when he is the one going away each time .
But I'm still figuring out that why do I still write?
I remember my brother had said me that if someone tells him to write. First day he will write excitedly. Next day back to normal. No more writing. That's what he explained. He'll write because it's fascinates him for one day. I write because it fascinates me always.
Tell him to talk about importance of LinkedIn in engineers life. He'll write and explain this thousands times. Trust me, I get bore listening to this. He has around 2350+ connections that's why I have to listen more.😂
That's what I'm trying to explain. People do things which interest them. For me it's writing, for him it's connecting. Interest differ.
It's not only interest. This blog has become a part of my life. What I couldn't say to him, I said that here. You know sometimes I think wished he had read them and understood how much I love him. But time is up. Neither he'll understand nor I want him to insult my feelings. It's all over 😁.
Honestly, I don't want to think about all this now. If he has to come then he can. If he doesn't want to, it's okay. The important is I cannot spoil my career because of him. As of now, I'm more focused on my upcoming exams. I know I write here things related to love because it's quite natural at this age to feel things. But what's more important is my career now. So I'm happy and working hard for my dream college, his dream college too. ❤️
It's 6 months now. I write this even on the busiest of day sometimes. Yesterday, I watched around 6 lectures and still wrote one post. This is how important it is for me.
Thank you my dear reader for motivating me to write more. It's such a good feeling to spend my day writing here instead of doing something that isn't productive even. Love you all. 💙
Thank you Tom. If you hadn't left me then I wouldn't have started this. But that doesn't mean you don't need to come back😂. I'll wait, may be someday around you'll change yourself and come back. 😝
P.S. : As I had said about my family wedding. So I want to take break from everything. Let's see when I'll write next. But yup I won't forget to add our photos in the status🤣🤣🤣. I really wanted him to be the first person to see me in that saree and lehenga too😅😅. Kidding !!😝🤷 . My all family members are coming tomorrow so obviously I won't get enough time. But probably I'll write atleast once or twice in a week when there will be no function. Stay tune !!😝
Before this end, just one last time. Wish he come back. 🤷💙 I know he won't. And I'm still happy. 😝😁
Thank you ;)
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