My nightmare 🌃

By -
It's 2:52 am in my mobile and I'm writing this here. You know things are not always the same as we want them to be. The same is with me too. If I could describe 2020 in one word then it would be, "I lost everything this year including my self confidence."  

I read answers on Quora related to, "what's the saddest things about toppers". And to be honest, I relate few points. But the one which always stand true is they don't know how to accept failure. They don't know how to face it. They don't know how to change things when everything is against. 

I'm saying this now. Because I have something inside me which is telling me, "bro, abhi pdh lete hai ....baad mein sab dekhnege". (Bro, let's study now....Will see the other things later).  

Those who know me personally knows that how much I overthink. The same happened today too. We got few messages from our coaching related to studies. Boom, I am back in depression. 

In just few minutes, I just analysed all my mistake. The mistakes I did from May to September. All those tiny mistakes which is now not that really small. 

Don't think I failed or something like this. I just got my average percentage which is around 80. And it's actually a poor performance. 

I went to sleep around 12:40 possibly. Couldn't sleep for a minute even. Just few minutes back, I called one of my friend. Talked and shared up things. Said what I am feeling now. And then I came here writing this. 

I got dream. The dream was just of 5 minutes possibly. There I just imagined the upcoming 6 months. I gave my exam. Qualified/ not qualified no idea. But I'm just sitting and giving the paper. 

And I have no idea on what's asked in it. I'm totally blank. I came back home then. Everyone started calling me and asked how was it. I had no idea. And then out off all the ways. I choosed the worst way. I just took decision of suicide at the moment. Even there I wrote letter to my mom saying why I'm doing this. 

Seriously, the moment I got this dream. I just woke up. No second thought nothing. I just messaged my friend and before she messaged me back. I just called her and said everything. I didn't had words to describe my fear. 

I can't lose my dream like this. It can't be shattered like this. Honestly, I'm being so harsh on myself now. I spent most of the time either doing some work or watching lectures. And honestly, I made such a harsh routines for these two months. That I actually got into all this. 

Honestly, if she didn't had picked the call. Then I seriously don't know what my situation had been. I was totally blank for a moment. And I was in such a fear. No words can describe that feeling. 

I really don't know why I am writing this. But I seriously think two things seeing my situation today. 

Firstly, don't overthink. It's okay if you are not doing good now. That doesn't mean it can never be. Just pull yourself to do better. And getting nervous and losing self confidence at this stage is pretty normal. The marks/rank you are thinking is low might be the highest for other. So think positive and move ahead. 

Secondly, we all need some 2am friend. Whether it's best friend, room mate, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend or anyone. We all just need someone at some point. And that's why valuing people is so much important. 

Sorry guys for this late night post. No idea what I wrote but surely it's my heart out. I remember that I had said about writing poem on that special person. I'll start once my mood is good. And honestly this week became more hectic. Though I got 3 days off from my lectures now. 

Please, in no way I promote suicide. It's never a solution. Work on the problem rather than running from it. Life gives you enough opportunity to succeed. Just focus on that. I'm totally against all this. And it was just my dream which came due to overthinking. 

I'm doing good in my way. The point is I lost few points back and that's why I regretted. And that's why I over thinked. For the world I am always a cheerful girl. 😁

Keep smiling !! 😁
Keep sailing !!💖

Thank you ;) 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular

Three jewels of life

By -
Image
Once a man asked what's the most satisfying feeling in world ? To which  a wise man replied , "  the most satisfying of all feeling is connection to the soul , to the human spirit ". Spirituality is something that adds meaning to life. It's connection to something bigger than our thoughts . Have we ever realised why people do yoga and meditation? They do so because it's connection to one's mind. Meditation is direct connection to oneself. It's a form of spirituality.  Here I am going to write about my favourite you tuber , who indeed is an spiritual leader , "Gaur Gopal Das jii".  His stories are quiet famous around the globe . But I am going to write about the  three important jewels of life. Once a man was in forest . He saw a beautiful bird. As soon as he saw her . He wished to keep her at his home. So he caged  her from back . The bird being caged now said to the man .  She will tell him three important jewels of life onl...
Read more

A love to last

By -
Image
Talking about the most underrated feeling in the world , " self love".  We are living in the generation where everyone is busy finding love or most probably saying life partner. But what about self love , self care ?? Does they don't matter ?  In one of the finest movie of bolywood ,   Dear Zindagi .  Their is a dialogue where the psychiatrist says to the actress , " Jab hum Apne aap ko Achi Tarah samajh Lete hai toh doosre kya samajhte hai , it doesn't matter ,  NOT AT ALL " . I think this is so true .  When we start loving ourself then it doesn't matter who love us or who care about us or what they think of us. In the same movie , there is an infamous dialogue ,  " tum agar khulke roo nhi sakogi ..toh khulkar Hass kaise sakogi". This is worth reading the lines.  If we can't show anger to anyone then how can we love someone. How can we feel worthy of ourselves .  We should care about our self esteem and self respect. We should really fe...
Read more

Teen ager thoughts !! 🦋

By -
Teen age the most dramatic phase of our life. The age where each day our opinions about everything changes. The things we like today might not be the same tomorrow. The people with whom we love to spend time today won't be the same tomorrow. In between the hormone rush , we decide lots of things related to our future. Whether it can be career, college, jobs , friendship , love and so on. We don't even know whether we really want that or not . The transition that take place in this ongoing years are remarkable. The things we get addict to know whether good or harmful keeps going on till the end until someone help us to stop it.  The uncertainty about everything marks the teenage . Changes that take place in our mindset becomes the reason for all the choices we take . Time goes on and so is the phase.  Sometimes we are lonely  , sometimes together with everyone. Sometimes we hate everyone and sometimes everyone is important. Sometimes someone takes the special place without...
Read more

What DEATH Taught Us ?

By -
Since childhood , we all are interested in knowing what happens after death . Whether their is really heaven or hell ? These are the most intriguing questions we all have . But what about the lessons we learn in the process?  We all discuss about :  1. What life teaches us?  2. How life teaches us ?  3. About how karma works in life ?            But what about death ? Why don't we discuss what death taught us? Why don't we talk about the lessons we learnt after some one left us ?  I remember watching the video of Gaur Gopal Das jii where he mentioned about his father's death and how much he regretted about not saying sorry to him for the mistakes he did everytime. This is what death taught us . The importance of person when they are gone. The importance of relationship infront of being right.  The importance of love Infront of ego.  Once lost then they can't come back . This is the most depressing one - liner. Once we lost...
Read more

What irritates me these days?

By -
Image
Messages and calls.  I had my exam today. After getting bored from last 1 hour. I finally thought to write something. My battery percentage decreased from 16% to 11% while charging, when I was using my phone.  I don't know but these days I get so many messages on WhatsApp and so many calls. Majorly calls are from either from my family or my friends (warden and my neighbour too).  The same goes with whatsapp messages but they are more than enough. Yesterday Akka had sent me my whatsapp usage. And all were of 2 mins majorly. Only Akka is the one who message me randomly. Rawat and Shruti (sometimes) too otherwise rest all just for work. It sucks actually. No one to talk real apart from few.  in one day I get around 10 messages. And it's of everyday.🙄 Obviously I get messages related to study from my friends or something that's important. I don't check status even. Majorly at night or when I come back from class (only of those whose I...
Read more