Broken but Beautiful ;)

Have you ever been nostalgic about something particular? Be it material, person, message, voice, song, movie or anything. You know it seems bad when they end or when they break. It seems like life get struck there when they leave. Everything feels like haunting you. 

Ever had been in love with a person? Ever felt that yes he/she is the one whom you loved the most?

 Gosh, I'm in no way interested in love stories now. Honestly, it sucks when I hear people saying that they are madly in love with each other. Believe me, it will end soon. And then one day, you'll be running behind your lover with a knife to kill them. 

Broken but beautiful is a tale of stories that happen in our life. Things that made us happy once is now the same which bring tears in our eyes. 

I've been in love with so many things. Be it my books, my dresses, my hair, my eyes, my lips, my glasses, my room, my people, my career, my passion, my dream or anything related to me. Yes, I'm self obsessed. I'm in love with everything around me. 

One of my friend always says me this line, "it's never wrong to love someone but it's wrong to show love to that person who isn't interested in it". That's why I'm self obsessed. That's why I love everything about myself. It's different matter that I'm in love with few people/things who are important to me , even more than myself. 

You know life is weird. We never know what we feel. Things always complicate us. Especially the moment when we really want something and it isn't forever. 

I had one particular friend. I know him since class 2 . Honestly, he is the one who showed me what self obsession actually is. Recently, when we met. He talked about so many things and I was the one listening to him. But what struck me was the way he loves himself. God, I met the only person who loves himself more than anyone. Seriously till I know, he had never loved someone more than himself. And that's what make him unique. 

I had two relationship. One can possibly say for first around 6 months and second for 2½ months. My first relationship was with a person whom I knew since one year. Trust me, he waited one year for me. 

When I was in relationship with the first person. Honestly, I wasn't in it. Initially, we talked many times. Later on, we both started ignoring each other. Obviously, it was never love or anything around it. I really don't remember the date we broke up. It wasn't mutual one. He still wanted the relation. I remember few days back, he texted me on Quora. I remember keeping status about it. Because one of my friend had shared the profile and all. (I was seriously angry because of this). May be, if he would have texted the same thing on WhatsApp then I wouldn't have felt that bad.

I could have talked to him there. But didn't. Gosh, I'm in love with someone. And I'm that kind of loyal that talking to someone who had/have feelings for me isn't possible for me. But it's isn't about loyalty too. Most importantly, I know, I don't have anything for him. Playing with his emotions is not good as I see. 

You know I realised from my first relationship that people can be in love. But the difference comes in the way they think about love. For me, it's more spiritually rather than anything. 

May be he still loves me .I seriously don't have any idea, though he had relationship the moment we broke . But it ended in few days. And that's why he used to text me back sometimes. But when I was in my second relationship, I stopped talking to him. And from that time to now, it's been year, I have no contact.

Sometimes I think. It was all my fault in this relationship. I really broke because of one reason and that reason was strong enough for me. But may be he loved me . Not sure but yup may be. The only thing I didn't liked was that he used to lie alot. He never accepted the words he had said back to someone and like these there were so many other but small reasons for my separation from him. He was a kind of emotional black mailer. And that's what irritates me now. He still uses the same trick to talk to me. Atleast, say the truth . What's the reason of turning things again and again.

Source : Instrgram (that's what friends do when you share them the article. They help in finding the similar quotes😅).

My second relationship was a kind of my story. Similar kind of people possibly though he was an introvert. But I must say, saying introvert isn't good here because till we were together I never realised he was. He was the one who texted, made efforts, made calls and everything that a person in love do. 

But what happened at the end. We broke up. It wasn't mutual too. The story got reversed and he wanted to breakup. It's nightmare to think about that time. I remember the day he said me to end the relationship. It was around 12am when he texted. When he said all these, for a moment I thought he is joking. Something inside me was dying at the moment. I was shivering and crying very badly at that time. It was choking me from inside.

I realised from my second relationship and my first love (I mean this) that no matter how much you love someone. You can't help them realising this. 

The best part about him was he was never toxic. Never emotionally black mailed me. Never lied (atleast in relationship). Always dared to accept the truth . That's what makes him different.

You know what breaks someone from inside? When the feelings die? 

It's happen at that moment when the other person knew how down he/she was for them and still they don't change their behaviour. It feels bad when they prioritize someone over you. When the trust breaks then everything eventually dies. Nothing is left, when you don't see loyalty on the face of the other person. That's when you know it's time to end everything. 

I walked out of my relationship long back. Today, when I'm writing this. I can't feel a single thing for any. Honestly, I never had any feelings for my first relationship. But for my first love, I had. 

Things aren't the same always. What we expect them to be and what it happen is totally opposite. So it's totally fine to let things happen. 

I remember the day I had my accident. I missed that person. I really wished to talk to him. But now after days, when I haven't received a single message though it's been over a month. I realize that he was true. It was never love. 

He doesn't care even whether I'm good or not. He won't even take a single step. Reason is because he is introvert. It's lie though. For him, I'm equal in both aspect whether dead or alive. And now it really makes sense. 

Even the fear of losing him, once used to make me cry. But for him, everything is normal. It's fine not to talk to me. It's fine not to have me in his life. That's when I realised I'm also fine without him. Love isn't always about conversation only. 

Whatever be it. But one thing is for sure. No matter what you say. No matter what you do. Once you realise that you are not valued then leave it. No matter how much you are in love. 

May be you'll break your heart once. But when you do the same thing again and again then you'll break it thousands times. I did break my heart thousands times before realising this.

Gosh, I was so much in love that even I unvalued myself Infront of him. And he was  so much in love that he disrespected me so many times. 

Honestly, I don't even complaint about my first relationship. I never made efforts. Even it was like, the other person was sure that no matter what he say/do, I won't break up. May be it would have been true if I was in love. And I was sure too that I won't break up. But it happened eventually. 

Whatever be it. It's always not the same as we see. I see my story from my side that's why I cry. For my second relationship, if I see from his side then may be things are different. May be he cared when we were not together. May be he never tried sharing his emotions. It's all complicated. 

Broken but beautiful is a phrase / line for all those who don't have emotions left after they are left out. It's all the heavy emotions they carry in the form of burden. But yet, it's better to be this rather than crying and begging for someone's love who doesn't care. 

You know I write that he doesn't care. He doesn't feel things. I might be wrong. He feels everything. He knows what I feel. He chooses to ignore them. He knows how to control his emotions. He is practical from his heart. But honestly, no matter how much practical he is. If he had known about the accident then he would have messaged once. I know him. I complaint about him because I love him . Just reverse the scenario for once. Imagine I'm the one ignoring efforts and all. How he'll feel now? 

 I never said all these for anyone. And that's what makes him special. I know he is not that bad as he portrays himself. That's why no matter how much anger I show. I know he is a good person. A really perfect person.

Honestly, I don't get guts to see him in my dreams even. He broke my heart so badly. He knew I was so down for him. But still he did the same. And that's why no matter what I say. No matter how many times I express my emotions, he won't understand.

Please don't think, I'm sad now. I'm done with it. I know I can't change it. That's why it's useless to think even. 

It's simple, we all are "broken" inside. Something dies inside each of us. And that what makes us beautiful when we overcome it. 

I got some beautiful images on this topics. 

Source : Gallery 

These lines really touched my heart. 

I got special lines for introvert people. 

Source : Friend's phone 😂

Hey guys, sorry for the late post. I was really not well to write things. Thank you everyone for their prayers. 💙

I removed the crepe bandage due to puja. Just with some medicines now. Otherwise I'm totally good now. Though it's a different story that I'm little more mad now.  

I must not forget to say that I brought my saree finally 🙈. God, I tried this today and sent pictures to few of my friends and showed to my family members on video call. It really look awesome. 😁 My sister was like , "kaala tika laga Lena, warna nazar lag jayegi" (keep that black mark to protect from bad/evil views)😅. I'm actually damn excited to wear lehenga and saree for the first time 🙈😅. 

Thank you everyone 😄

Happy Chhath Puja to all 💙 

(Needs to sleep now, I woke up around 5am for this festival)😅